The Funeral Negotiator
by Amy Davis
Ask Amy — September 2010
“I can bring home the bacon; fry it up in a pan.”
If we attempted a remake of the 1960s Peggy Lee hit “I’m a Woman,” the tune would no doubt drone on for hours with the list of chores and tasks performed by today’s woman: Juggling kid’s recitals and games with work demands, spot treating spit-up on your best business suit and shuttling kids from school to friends to extra-curricular activities… all while keeping up with the flurry of emails flying into your Blackberry from your boss.
Almost 2 out of every 10 adults can add “caring for an aging parent.” And like all of the other tasks you reluctantly take on and eventually master, when asked, 43% of people who care for an elderly parent said they didn’t feel like they had a choice taking on the role.
One day, those caregivers and you may have the unfortunate role of planning a parent’s funeral.
My dad passed away on July 18, 2006. It was after midnight. When my mom called, I drove to their home in Tomball. My mom called 911. My dad was pronounced dead at my parent’s home.
My family was gathered, crying and comforting one another when the phone rang. I answered to hear a woman from LifeGift on the other line. She wanted to know if we wanted to donate any of my dad’s tissue or organs. Before she hung up, she told me that if we hadn’t already made funeral arrangements, we should call Ken Lambert.
“Now?” I remember asking. It was already after 1 in the morning. The woman from LifeGift told me Lambert took calls 24 hours a day.
He answered by the third ring, whispering so he wouldn’t wake his wife. Lambert asked me to give him a moment while he stepped out of his bedroom.
And there, with my family in the other room, Ken Lambert, the “Funeral Negotiator” walked me through what my family should do to begin preparing my father’s funeral. The paramedics were waiting to transport my dad’s body to the closest funeral home when Lambert told me we should go to another.
And that is how I came to meet Ken Lambert. Maybe you think it’s tacky or in poor taste to negotiate or bargain when someone you love has just died. Lambert says that’s exactly the thinking that costs most people so much money.
Lambert knows the industry because he worked as a prearranged funeral salesman back in 1992 when he got out of the Air Force.
“I could not do what they were asking me to do,” Lambert said. “I tried to be ethical but finally had to give it up after 6 months. I observed that many of my peers would do anything to get a sale. Their tactics were outrageous.”
A couple of years after he quit, Lambert took on a 4 month research project to find out if the tactics he learned and watched were prevalent across the industry. He “played” customer at over 150 funeral homes and cemeteries in Harris County and then put all of their prices in a database. In November 1994, he says he saved his first client more than $9,900.
“The manipulation and price gouging I discovered were absolutely outrageous,” Lambert said. Determined to do something to help level the playing field between grieving families and funeral homes, Lambert went into business as an adviser and negotiator.
Since 2004, he’s worked full-time from his home office. “I wake up every day loving what I do. It is a business and a personal ministry. I help families nation-wide, on the honor system,” explained Lambert.
Lambert’s standard fee is based on what he saves you. You agree to pay him a percentage, usually 20%, of the amount you saved because of the information and advice he provided you.
The most memorable case for Lambert was a man who lost his wife in Lubbock. His family was moving to Austin, where he had already purchased a home and enrolled the children in school. Lambert researched the cemeteries in Austin.
“The ones in his area were over $3,000 per space or over $12,000 for the 4 spaces he wanted,” Lambert recalled. “I found him a small cemetery association that allowed him to purchase spaces since he lived in the neighborhood. He purchased 4 cemetery spaces for a total of $250.”
Lambert also saved the man at least $5,000 on the funeral services with a smaller funeral home. The family’s total savings were over $17,000.
The one thing Lambert says he wishes everyone knew about paying for a funeral is that how much you spend has nothing to do with how much you love your loved one. He says the best place to have your funeral is at your own church because when you have all ceremonies at the church, every funeral home in Harris County must compete for the opportunity to serve your family
You can reach Lambert through his website: www.FuneralNegotiator.com.
