Helicopter Parents Raise Kids Who Cannot Fly Alone
by Mary Jo Rapini
Parents Ask — January 2012
Question: “I am really involved with everything my kids do…is that a bad thing?” -Rachel from Houston
Answer: Recently, I read an article on “helicopter parenting” and the way cell phones and the Internet have allowed modern parents to spend far more time hovering over their children than parents in previous generations.
As I read, I couldn’t help but think of my own childhood. I was the sixth of nine kids, and I can safely say that my parents most likely didn’t know where I was 70% of the time. My parents weren’t neglectful any more than my neighbors’ or friends’ parents were. We didn’t have the technology to keep constant tabs on kids when I was growing up, nor did we have the angst that comes with having that technology. My parents weren’t made to feel that if I wasn’t constantly busy with piano, soccer, or tutoring, I would fall behind. Instead, they felt it was their responsibility to provide a secure home life, plenty of sleep, good food, and help with homework.
Times have changed. Parents talk to their kids every day via texts, emails, Facebook, and other websites. Even when their kids go off to college, Mom and Dad are still instrumental in guiding their courses, careers, and social lives. The kids cannot escape—and what’s more, many of them don’t want to. The upshot is that colleges end up hiring additional staff to answer parents’ phone calls and emails just as summer camps do, and the college years become a time of prolonged adolescence rather than the beginning of adulthood.
Research supports the commonly-held belief that when parents become involved in their children’s activities, the children do better and seem to enjoy the activity more, whether the activity in question is a college class or an after-school event. However, research also confirms that the positive effects of parental involvement diminish when parents take over and try to control all aspects of their children’s activities. In other words, being there to guide and support your child may be helpful, but if guidance turns into telling your child what to do, what to think, and how to respond in every circumstance, your child begins to feel incompetent and soon becomes unable to make a decision without consulting Mom or Dad.
From the time your child is born, you must begin learning how to let go of him or her. The key to being a fantastic parent is watching your child and understanding when and how much to let go. Just as children have developmental milestones to attain, parents do too. Hanging on too tightly to your child begins to produce several, if not all, of the behaviors listed below:
1. Your child becomes less confident in his or her own ability to take care of him- or herself in situations at school or at play.
2. Your child becomes fearful and withdraws from novel activities.
3. Your child develops more anxieties and may develop school-related phobias.
4. Your child may become less interested in things around them unless you take an interest as well. A parent should be supportive of a child’s interests, but not solely responsible for them.
5. Parents who are overprotective actually suffer more from sadness and poor self-image. When you have all of your energy invested in your child’s success, there is little left for you.
It’s scary being a parent. We hear stories of abductions and of kids being harmed physically and sexually, and we feel a need to protect our kids from these things. We also have an understandable desire to see our children grow up happy and successful. If you feel you hold on too tightly, or if your child seems embarrassed by your unwanted overprotection, however, there are ways you can loosen your grip without putting your child at risk. Rather than thinking about protecting your child, think about empowering him or her. This will help you raise confident children while still allowing you to be engaged in their day-to-day lives:
1. When your children are small, you can allow them more freedom to explore, climb, and be independent if you provide a safe environment for them. Look over playgrounds and parks in advance, and find a place that provides security from traffic while still offering a fun atmosphere for your children to experience.
2. Show your children that mistakes can be a good thing to experience. Kids who grow up anticipating and accepting their mistakes take more risks, are less fearful, and feel more confident about themselves. We all make mistakes—make sure your kids can experience their mistakes while they’re still protected by a warm, loving family environment. The outside world will never be as forgiving as your own family.
3. If you have a lot of fears about your children’s safety because of the way you were raised in your family of origin, make sure you find professional help to assist you in working through your fears. Fears are given/taught to children. This is demonstrated by children being terrified of people, things, or events with which they have no experience. Parents often instill leftover, unresolved fears from their own pasts. Being afraid of life and all it has to offer is not something you want to pass on to future generations—so make sure you deal with your own fears before you pass them on.
No one will ever love your children the way you will. Protect their childhoods, love them, and offer them new experiences so they can grow and learn. When children think about trying something new, they size up the new adventure, then look back at you to see if you think they can handle it. If they see a loving parent who embraces the new with confidence in their children’s ability to master whatever comes their way, they will be empowered to soar. –Mary Jo Rapini
If you have a question for Mary Jo, email her at maryjo@houstonfamilymagazine.com, and you may see her answer in a future issue of Houston Family.
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