Marriage Between Parents with Special Needs Children
by Mary Jo Rapini
Parents Ask — September 2011
Question: Our son was recently diagnosed with ADD, but I knew there was a problem long before we got the results. It’s been really difficult parenting our child, and it has definitely taken a toll on our marriage. Now that our son is starting to take medication, I am hoping that not only will he get better, but that our marriage will too. Do you have any advice for us as a couple to help us reconnect?
Answer: I have had the privilege to work with a number of married couples who have special needs children. These couples have taught me so much—most poignantly, the many things I take for granted in my own marriage. There’s little doubt that having a child with ADD, autism, Asperger syndrome, or cerebral palsy adds additional stress to a marriage. Most of the things couples take for granted—date nights, romantic dinners, movie nights out with pizza, family trips—are complicated when there is a child with special needs to consider. One parent going out while the other cares for the child can be draining for both parents, and having to cope with censure from people outside the marriage who don’t understand its difficulties can make parents feel angry and embarrassed. Many of the couples I’ve worked with tell me that learning to parent a special needs child while sustaining a marriage requires a willingness to learn and grow; in addition to learning more about their child’s limitations and abilities, they learn about themselves and each other’s breaking points.
Marriages have a 50% survival rate in the United States. Add the stress of having a special needs child to the equation, and one might anticipate even more stress and conflict in the marriage, and less chance of it surviving. A study from SUNY Buffalo found that parents with a child who suffered from ADHD were twice as likely to divorce by the time the child was eight years of age as couples without a child with ADHD. The severity of the child’s problems seemed to be an influential factor, as did the ability of the marital couple to handle stress in a healthy manner.
In keeping with the finding that the ability to handle stress healthily is beneficial to sustaining healthy marriages, it should be noted that a large survey in 2006 by Canada’s national statistics agency found that less than one third of parents with disabled children said the child’s condition had caused problems in their relationship. In fact, 18% of those surveyed said the child’s condition made their marriage closer. This seems to correlate more accurately with what I see in my office. These married couples have found incredible strength in adversity, and their purpose in visiting me is to further fortify their strength and unity.
If a healthy marriage is advantageous to a child without special needs—and it is—then you can double that for children with special needs. A strong marriage helps the couple feel stronger and less stressed, and this feeling is transferred to the children.
With that in mind, it’s important to consider the fact that everyone’s marriage needs time to rejuvenate; no matter what needs your child has, the survival of your marriage has to come first. A healthy marriage has an incredible ability to help the couple deal with stress, put things in perspective, and provide strength for the couple so they can continue to give and love more. While much of the marital advice offered by therapists for couples—getting away for a vacation, going out once a week for a date night, and sending their kids to Grandma’s for the weekend—may not work if you are a couple with a special needs child, I’ve put together a few suggestions tailored to the parents of special needs children to help your marriage stay strong. These suggestions are inspired by what I’ve learned from my patients who are parents with special needs children.
1. Begin each day with at least five minutes of “hug time” between parents. Children love to see Mom and Dad hugging; plus, giving and receiving hugs has been proved to cause the release of oxytocin, a hormone that reduces stress. This is especially important during the morning, when stress levels tend to run high.
2. Whenever possible, talk about your marriage as a team. When you are on a team, no one is the enemy. You pass to each other, protect each other, and win when the other person wins.
3. Hire a counselor or coach once a month to talk with you as a couple about emotional issues that may have been swept under the rug. The counselor or coach also can give you ways to deal with issues such as fighting, arguing, and feeling frustrated. Little things like this really help a lot. If these sessions continue regularly, the marital problems won’t have a chance to build up and escalate to the point where one person feels he or she needs to walk out of the relationship.
4. Getting out is so important. Most of my couples hire a caretaker to come once a week. This person knows the child/children and how to care for them. Being out for a date helps “normalize” your life at a time when it may not feel so normal. It also helps you feel desired and attractive to one another.
5. Sex is important and, in a marriage, it helps manage stress. Sex also helps the couple stay connected; feeling pleased by your partner makes you more committed to “the team.”
6. As much as possible, it is helpful if both parents are able to attend doctor, teacher, and mental health sessions with the child. If only one parent does this part, they may begin to feel like they are making all of the decisions. This can be scary, and may lead to feelings of abandonment, or a sense that the decision-making party lacks support from his or her spouse. If you cannot attend the meetings due to work schedules, make sure you know when the appointments are, and call your spouse prior to and after the meetings to express interest, support, and appreciation. Always reassure them, instead of questioning their decisions. Most parents do their best in these situations to decide what is best for the child—which should be the goal of both parents at times like these.
7. If and when you get a bad report about something your child did, talk it over with your spouse before you approach your child. All children learn very quickly who the boss is. Having the support of your spouse will present more unity and less manipulation possibilities.
8. If and when friends ask how they can help, allow them to do something. Friends love you, and if they want to help, you’re allowing them to makes them feel loved.
9. Keep your faith in your marriage. Our faith helps us unite and gives us strength.
10. Remember that no matter what your child has, it is not your fault. Replace feelings of guilt, shame, and regret with courage, bravery, and transparency. Every time I see a couple with a special needs child, I want to hug them and say, “I am in awe of you.” Your courage and willingness to grow are qualities I aspire to emulate.
This spring I went to two graduation ceremonies for two of my couples whose special needs children graduated. I don’t know who cried more, but I do know that I left with a sense of incredible admiration for the families.
–Mary Jo Rapini
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