Teens and Virginity
by Mary Jo Rapini
Parents Ask — July 2011
Q: “My 17-year-old daughter has been going with her boyfriend for 6 months and thinks she is ready to have sex for the first time. I’ve talked to her about safe sex and said that I wish she would wait. Is there anything I can tell her about how this will make her feel afterwards?” -Liz, The Woodlands
A: How you feel about losing your virginity depends… are you a guy or girl?
The morning after can be difficult no matter if you are a guy or a girl, but it seems to be more difficult for girls than guys. A study from researchers at Pennsylvania State University reports male university students’ body images improved after having sexual intercourse for the first time, while the opposite pattern was found with females. The study, which was published in the Journal of Adolescents, reported on 100 university students between the ages of 17 and 19 years of age who had sex for the first time during their time at the university. During the three year study, the students’ satisfaction with their appearance was assessed four times. The results were statistically significant. The girls’ self esteem and feelings about themselves increased throughout the school year until they had sex. Males’ perceptions of their own attractiveness, on the other hand, generally decreased over time but improved, at least initially, after their first time having sex.
The researchers had several theories about why girls felt worse about their looks after having sex and why guys felt better. It could be that after sex, the male students felt desired and accepted in regards to their masculinity and sexuality, which is very important. Girls, on the other hand, may have felt worse because girls in general tend to be more sensitive when it comes to body image, and they may have felt more critical about their bodies after their first sexual experience, and/or more pressure to maintain a certain standard of physical beauty in order to remain desirable. Girls may also have felt confused about the reasons they had sex. They may have felt abandoned after sex. Girls may have also experienced more guilt due to society’s double standards: there is an underlying societal idea in the US that good girls don’t have sex, an expectation that’s not applied to guys. I don’t know if good girls do or don’t have sex, but I do know smart girls (and guys) wait until they are prepared for the consequences sex presents. I also understand and have researched that girls who have an engaged dad in the family report delaying sex until later in life, when their own interests are developed and they are mature enough to make better choices about the boys they have sex with. I have researched and surveyed girls to co-author a book for girls and moms regarding healthy sex. We learned that girls who are taught about their changing bodies, their sexuality, and how to keep their body healthy delay sex until they are mature enough to make wise choices in regards to sexual relationships. I am concerned when I hear parents say, “Let the schools teach my children about healthy sex.” Do parents really believe the school is going to teach their child about his or her intimate body better than a parent could? Do parents depend on the school to teach their daughter about her menstrual health, her changing breasts and body? What about her values and morals? Both of these will affect her relationships, and both should be discussed within the family.
Television, the Internet, and many movies are making sex look more and more casual. There is nothing casual about sex. It should remain meaningful and intimate between two people who care for each other. When you decide to give up your virginity, it should not be something that happens accidentally. It should be something you decide to do because you want to express your deep feelings for another person and are ready to deal with the emotions that may be present after sex. It should never be because you want to secure a relationship, think they will like you more, or feel like they will walk away if you don’t have sex with them. Talk to your daughters and sons about sex and relationships. Keep in mind that the longer your child delays sex, the better choices he or she will make, and also understand that children who have more parental involvement in their lives tend to wait longer before they have sex.
For more information, visit my web page, talk to me on my fan page, or tweet me @ MaryJoRapini.
Join Mary Jo on Tuesday morning at 8a.m. with Maria Todd and Brad Booker on Mix 96.5.
http://khmx.radio.com/shows/mary-jo-rapini/
http://khmx.radio.com/2011/03/21/healthy-happy-hour-weight-issues-and-dating/
Join me every Thursday Morning on “Mind, Body, Soul with Mary Jo” on Fox 26 Houston at 9 a.m.
Join me every Friday Morning on Fox 26 Houston for “Healthy Happy Hour” and learn how to make your relationship healthier.
