What Kinds of "Bad Behavior" Are Normal for Middle Schoolers?
by Mary Jo Rapini
Parents Ask — November 2011
Question: “I have a daughter who is in middle school. One moment she will do something sweet and caring, and the next she will turn around and do something that makes me think, “I haven’t taught you anything!” How do I know what is normal teenage behavior and what is a red flag?” -Erika J., Houston
Dear Erika,
There is nothing more challenging in a parent’s life than middle school. Hormones, peer pressure, stress, academic concerns, and home life all contribute to a child’s up-and-down moods. Your child may act like he or she loves you in the morning, only to reject you in the afternoon. Your child’s emotional ups and downs may be enhanced if you are suffering from your own emotional ups and downs. Many times, kids start middle school around the same time moms start to go through peri-menopause changes, which may bring more marital conflict on top of all the other stresses. It may be difficult to see where the cycle begins and ends. Is your teen’s mood, your hormones, or your relationship causing the most havoc? During middle school, our children react to what is going on in their home, so the more you can stabilize the home front, the less acting-out you will see in your daughter.
As a rule of thumb, I tend to ask parents how long the negative behavior has been going on. Negative behavior that has gone on for two weeks is reason to become concerned. Many times, children will “experiment,” or “try on” new behaviors. If the behavior is inappropriate and parents nip it right away, the child usually will not repeat it (within the parents’ sight, anyway). If there is no consequence, the child may repeat and heighten the behavior. Kids need to know that their parents have boundaries and will enforce them. This offers security for your child. The good news is that if you are consistent with your discipline and rules, your child will pass through this stage with greater ease.
Being sassy, tired, moody, or detached are all behaviors we normally see in this age group, as well as trying to break curfew and texting constantly, but it is not normal to curse your parents, hit your parents, be nasty to your parents, not come home at all, or act out aggressive behaviors to others in the family. Parents must stay calm, set up a disciplinary plan, and then follow through with that plan. If this doesn’t work, then parents should sit down with their child and discuss options that include counseling. Children will feel more loved if their parents notice their behavior and engage in a disciplinary plan. They may not tell you this, but you will see a difference in their behavior. Your job as a parent is to hold the line and let your child go up and down in a safe environment that offers built-in consequences. Part of life is leaning through our mistakes. If a child can learn during middle school that there are consequences for talking rudely, breaking curfew, or texting nonstop (for example, if they have to pay for texts if they send more than a certain number of them), then parents won’t have to go through this disciplinary rigamarole in high school. The middle school and teen years are relatively short in the scheme of your child’s life, but at no other time in your child’s life does the parent play such an integral part. When I talk to tweens and teens about their parents, the characteristic that seems to mean the most to them is the parent’s ability to listen, engage with the child (make time for him or her), and believe in the child. It’s a different world out there, parents. Listen to your children, make time, and hold those boundaries tight so they can go up, down, and sideways while remaining safe. Thank you for writing. –Mary Jo Rapini
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