written by Cheryl Maguire
The moment my voice emits sound I can see my twin teens’ eyes glaze over. Sometimes they must register at least one word I said (or maybe it’s just a Pavlovian response) because they use the dreaded eye-roll.
As a parent of teenagers, it can feel frustrating when you are speaking only to realize your teen isn’t listening to you. Experts agree it is important to have a strong relationship with your teenager which involves communication.
“An important predictor of how well your teen will listen to you is the strength of your relationship with them. The amount of time we spend building our relationship without expectations will increase the likelihood that they will listen,” said Dr. Mona Delahooke (https://monadelahooke.com/), pediatric psychologist, and author of, “Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges.”
According to the experts some ways you can make sure teenagers hear you are:
Connect Before You Direct
Dr. Laura Markham (www.ahaparenting.com/about), clinical psychologist and author of, “Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling and Start Connecting,” suggested that parents should notice what their teen is doing or find some other way to make a warm connection before speaking to them. She also recommended sitting next to teenagers instead of yelling across the room, “Please clean your room.”
If you want teenagers to listen to you then you must also listen to them. Make sure when you listen to them that they feel understood. Dr. Jennifer Salerno (https://drjennifersalerno.com), nurse practitioner and author of, “Teen Speak: A guide to understanding and communicating with your teen,” said, “It’s all about modeling the behavior that you’d like them to reciprocate. Setting the stage for a positive discussion by actively listening causes them to feel respected and heard.”
Dr. Markham said, “The most important thing is calmness. When you yell, you increase your teen’s stress level and they shut you out and lose the desire to cooperate. Never talk with your teen while you are angry.”
Dr. Delahooke recommended that parents pay attention to their emotional state and body language. She said, “When you sit next to your teen, make sure you are providing a message of trust in them.”
If teenagers have a routine of what they are expected to do every day at that time of day, they are more likely to do it. These routines are also a good time to talk to them and be heard. Dr. Salerno said, “Activities like cooking together, walking the dog, and riding alone in the car are ideal times for an important topic to be discussed.”
Clarify Your Role
Teenagers are more likely to listen and follow your suggestions and requests if you clarify your role.
“Explain to your teen that the rules and boundaries you are trying to establish are there to help guide and protect them.,” says Dr. Kenneth Ginsburg, a physician at Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia and co-founder of the Center for Parent and Teen Communication (https://parentandteen.com/). “When you clarify your role in this way your teen will more likely understand the purpose behind the rule — big or small.”
Dr. Ginsburg explained that if your teen doesn’t take an action you’d hoped to make sure that when you discuss it with them make it about their behavior — not the person.
Dr. Ginsburg stressed the importance of avoiding nagging. He said, “It’s easy to fall into a cycle of nagging that can lead to frustration on both sides. When teens sense your annoyance, they may become defensive. When you make requests in an accusatory tone, they become ineffective.”
If there are chores that teenagers need to do, then offer them the option of selecting one of three chores. Dr. Salerno said, “Teens feel respected when they are given options, not directives, which ultimately lowers their resistance.” You can also give them a choice of what time they want to complete the chore.
Cheryl Maguire holds a Master of Counseling Psychology degree. She is married and is the mother of twins and a daughter. Her writing has been published in The New York Times, Parents Magazine, AARP, Chicken Soup for the Soul: Count Your Blessings, Your Teen Magazine and many other publications. You can find her at Twitter @CherylMaguire05