The 3-Step Process to Help Your Children Manage Big Emotions
Emotions are good. They are part of what makes us human. They clue us in to what is going on within and around us. The goal is not to ignore or diminish emotions. The goal is to teach our children (and remind ourselves) the power of emotions and how to appropriately wield them. How to feel the emotions, i.e. sit with and process them, and how to then determine the best way to respond.
Big emotions often include frustration, anger, and overwhelm. When my children experience these, I can actually feel the temperature rising towards nuclear. Someone or something is bound to explode unless we can get that temperature back down.
To manage these inevitable big emotions, I teach my children a 3-step process: (1) stop whatever they’re doing and take several deep breaths; (2) feel the emotions; and (3) think through the next best action.
The first step of simply stopping and taking several deep breaths often takes the oxygen out of the impending explosion. Whatever seemed so disastrous the moment before starts to subside and the storm around them is able to calm. This is grounding and provides space for them to then sit with and start to process and learn from their emotions.
Finally, with their emotions acknowledged, they are in a better place to determine the next best action, as opposed to emotional reaction, to take. Spoiler alert: it is not hitting or yelling. Perhaps it’s removing themselves from the room for a few moments or talking it out. Perhaps they need some quiet time to read or take a walk. Whatever the case may be, they’ve gone from reactionary to in control.
In my family, it is not uncommon for my 2 elementary school age children to have difficult afternoons when they return home after those long days of school. Home is their safe space, and, once there, everything they’ve held together throughout the school day comes pouring out. They become angry with one another – and me – at the drop of a hat. A slight annoyance that normally would be brushed off becomes the most offensive insult that seemingly must be dealt with in kind.
While it’s easy as a parent to be drawn into the struggle, I aim instead to help them stop the bickering and to breathe. We take several deep breaths together and simply sit, letting the emotions wash over and settle.
Once the agitation has subsided, we can become curious about the emotions. Why are they feeling this way? Did something happen at school? Are they exhausted? Are they nervous about a class or homework? What do they need in this moment? What may help resolve a problem the next day?
We manage big emotions using the 3-step process in real time. We are able to do this because we are well-prepared, regularly discussing ahead of time how they will implement the 3-step process when the inevitable big emotions arise. We have these discussions when the kids are well-rested and in good moods. Sometimes we role play, which gives them the opportunity to experience the situation. They also think it’s hilarious to play yell at one another.
Kids are not the only ones who need to be emotionally prepared for, well, emotion. While it would be great if our children didn’t have meltdowns or yell at each other or us, we need to expect that it can and will happen. From there, we can set ourselves up for success by preparing to handle it when it does.
For me, since I know my kids are likely to be difficult in the afternoons, I carve out a few minutes before they come home to sit quietly and turn inward to mentally prepare. I remind myself that, just as I am teaching my children, I have the tools necessary to act compassionately toward any emotions that may be thrown my way.
I implement the 3-step process myself. If my children are fighting and it becomes too much, I take a deep breath rather than jumping into the fray. If I have asked them repeatedly to do something and it still hasn’t gotten done – a major personal trigger – I take a deep breath and remind myself that it is not an emergency. I may want my child to start homework when I tell her to, but even if she doesn’t, it is not a code red event. Indeed, if I react and blow up, it will likely take even longer for her homework to actually get started.
Another way to manage emotions is to find time to connect. While day to day life can often feel hectic and rushed, making sure children feel seen and heard helps them preemptively manage the big emotions as they come up. And it is nice to have time together to enjoy each other’s company.
Connecting does not have to take a lot of time or look a certain way. It is about quality not quantity. I find that some of my best moments of connection with my children are in the car, shuttling them from one place to the other. I also try to let them take the lead. What do they want to do to spend time together? For my children, this is often kicking a ball, reading Harry Potter, or playing a card game. If I can say yes, I do.
Learning to sit with, process, and thoughtfully respond to emotions is an integral skill we teach our children. And while parenting through big emotions can be challenging, my hope is this 3-step process provides a guide both children and parents can use for when the inevitable big emotions arise.