When I became of mom of boy/girl twins I had twice as much laundry, diapers and crying as my mom friends of singletons. What I didn’t know at the time was that I also had twice as much Attention Deficient Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). There were plenty of clues along the way but my son didn’t get diagnosed until age 8 and his twin sister until age 15. Unfortunately their gender differences might be one of the main reasons why there is a seven year variance between the time that they were diagnosed.
Even though I used to be a counselor for teens who had ADHD, it’s different when your own kids have the disorder. My former role definitely helped me understand terms and techniques but I still had to figure out what worked best for our family. My twins just graduated from high school and here’s what we found helpful to be successful during the past four years:
Routines are essential.
The biggest issue that both of my twins have in relation to ADHD is forgetting things. On more than one occasion they would spend hours completing a project using posterboard or creating a 3D model only to forget it at home. This might not make sense to someone who doesn’t have ADHD but for those who do I’m sure you can relate.
The best way to fix this issue is to have routines and schedules so that the behaviors become habits rather than memory. For example, they would back their bags the night before going to school and then place it by the front door. This way they can see it before they leave the house and remember to take it. Next to their bag would be any sports equipment like a tennis racket and water bottle.
External reminders.
Another helpful tip is to use technology. Let’s face it—their phone is like a third appendage that they never seem to lose! So using it is a great way to help them. There are plenty of apps on there that can help them with their ADHD but the easiest technique is to use the reminder alerts. Anytime they say, “I forgot” I respond with, “Then next time set up a reminder alert on your phone.” It’s also a lot easier for all of us than having me nag them which I also remind them is the alternative.
Regular communication with teachers is key.
At the beginning of the school year, I always made a point to speak with all of their teachers and offered them my cell phone and email to open the lines of communication. When I talked with them we discussed what helped my kids to learn in previous years like a seat in the front row or visual pictures. I also let the teachers know that they have ADHD and truly care about school even though it might seem like they are not paying attention at times. Furthermore, I tell them that if their grades are slipping or they aren’t handing in their assignments that they should contact me so we can figure out what’s causing the problem. If they are having trouble paying attention it tends to “snowball” without them realizing it. If we can prevent the avalanche from occurring then everyone has a much better school year.
Accommodations can be helpful.
If your child has ADHD they may qualify for an Individual Education Plan (IEP) or a 504 plan. To qualify for an IEP usually your child would need to have a learning disability diagnosis along with the ADHD but sometimes you could qualify for one with only an ADHD diagnosis. Students on an IEP would receive special education services whereas students on a 504 plan only have regular education services. On both plans though you can receive accommodations for ADHD. Some common ones are preferential seating, testing in a distraction free setting and additional time on tests or homework.
My daughter did not qualify for either plan but that’s where the communication with the teachers can be helpful. Most teachers want their students to be successful so even if they don’t have an official plan they can work with the student to make sure they are learning in a suitable environment.
It’s not worth arguing over a messy room.
One aspect of having ADHD can result in being disorganized or messy. My son is actually organized and neat for the most part but my daughter is a whole other story. I even wrote a few articles about it as a form of therapy since I’m an extremely neat and organized person. Besides getting some free therapy, what I learned after writing all these articles is that it’s not worth arguing over a messy room—arguing never solved anything and only caused a rift in our relationship. There are many ways you can handle it. I mostly use humor by making comments like, “Is this a science experiment?” And yes she did laugh when I asked. Or probably the most effective method is keeping the door to her room always closed.
Sleep, diet and exercise are more important than you realize.
My twins had to figure this one out for themselves but I did often point it out for them. If they were having a hard time paying attention I might ask, “What time did you go to sleep last night?” Or if they were struggling to focus on their homework I might ask, “What did you eat for dinner?” They also both enjoy exercising by being on a sports team or strength training on their own. They found that it helps to release some of that energy they had to use all day to focus.
Teach them how to be an advocate for themselves.
When you have ADHD you need to learn how to be an advocate for yourself. My son really struggled with this when he was younger but slowly learned how to advocate for accommodations that helped him to be successful. During his senior year one of his teachers told me that he asked her, “Can I please finish this project after school since I’m having trouble focusing right now?” I had tears in my eyes hearing this, knowing that he would have never done this even a year ago.
When you are a mom, it’s hard to figure out when to let them walk to the bus stop on their own or when to let them stay home alone. But when your kid has a disability it’s even harder to figure out that fine line of when to help them or when to let them try it own their own. You watch them struggle so much, more than your other kid without a disability, that sometimes you just want to make it easier for them by bringing them that forgotten Chromebook. In the end though when they are able to advocate for themselves it’s the greatest gift that you can give to both of you.
