As you eat that burnt piece of toast that your son or daughter (maybe even wife) tried to make for you this morning, think about these 15 funny quotes and be happy it’s all true and toast to the fact that somebody loves you enough to give you toast.
- “My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!” — Bill Cosby
- “Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.” — Robert Orben
- “My father only hit me once — but he used a Volvo.” — Bob Monkhouse
- “I have always had the feeling I could do anything and my dad told me I could. I was in college before I found out he might be wrong.” — Ann Richards
- “Spread the diaper in the position of the diamond with you at bat. Then, fold second base down to home and set the baby on the pitcher’s mound. Put first base and third together, bring up home plate and pin the three together. Of course, in case of rain, you gotta call the game and start all over again.” — Jimmy Piersall
- “It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.” — Barbara Kingsolver
- “I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, “My dad can beat up your dad.” I’d say, “Yeah? When?” — Bill Hicks
- “Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.” — Jon Stewart
- “Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.” — Red Buttons
- “When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet ’til my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long in the toilet? Because he’s not sure he wants to be a father.” — Louis C.K.
- “Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.” – Ray Romano
- “There should be a children’s song ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.'” – Jim Gaffigan
- “My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.” – Jeff Foxworthy
- “I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” – Rodney Dangerfield
- “Whenever one of my children says, ‘Goodnight, Daddy,’ I always think to myself, ‘You don’t mean that.” —Jim Gaffigan
Source: Latin Times
