Summer is greeting us with her cheerful grin, but parents who couldnāt come up for the air needed to plan for her grand entrance are not doing a happy dance. It looms instead like an epic black hole, begging for definition. Camp registration deadlines came and went a long time ago, but maybe, your kids arenāt keen on camp, anyway. You donāt want summer to be a choreĀ for you or your kids. So, whatās a good parent to do?
There are plenty of life-changing ways to occupy your children over the summer besides sending them to camp and, ample evidence that these experiences are deeply formative. In my case, an older friend needed help weeding her flower garden and asked if my 12-yr-old daughter (who wasnāt a camp-loving girl) wanted to earn some cash. In fact, she did, and though it was a hot, humid undertaking, my daughter was glad she said yes. Weeding side-by-side, the two bonded over their love of fiction and started their own book club, reading āThe Wheel On the Schoolā, āRuby Hollerā and āNumber the Starsā. My daughter grew from that summer, on her knees beside my dear old friend, picking weeds and talking books. Ā
What is monumental in the lives of our kids is often the stuff that lies outside the home, periodāthose situations in the non-shared environment, which build the strong life-altering moments affecting our kidsā futures. Itās hard to swallow, isnāt it? While the steady environment of the home isnāt to be diminished, the experiences outside the home ācamp, service-programs, sleepovers, church trips, part-time jobs, babysitting, volunteer work, walking the neighborās dogāoffer disproportionate benefits for kids.Ā
In the International Journal of Epidemiology article, Why are children in the same family so different from one another? researchers explain that it is precisely experiences away from home and immediate family that distinguish a child from siblings. The āenvironmental varianceā is the framework for the magical making of a unique person. Licensed counselor and founder of Bright Future Consulting, Dr. Beth Dennard said that spending a summer at her auntās farm in Florida was one formative non-shared experience she benefitted greatly from as a child. Dennard, who is fascinated by adolescent development and serves Houston families from three consulting locations, says aloud what parents are feeling: āNon-shared environments are tough on parents and kids, but they are necessary for students to individuate and become adults.ā Tough is universally appreciated, but perhaps the necessary is worth revisiting. Ā
Dr. Laura Markham of AhaParenting.com says if thereās one word which sums up the rewards of these cumulative non-shared experiences itās confidence. āI think kids discover new capabilities when they are in new environments that ask them to engage in new ways and gain confidence from those experiences,ā Markham says, author of the newly released, āPeaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbookā. Exposure to experiences sans immediate family is critical for development. āDuring adolescence, there is a shift from focusing the majority of a childās attention on parents and home to focusing on peers and life outside the home,ā explains Dennard. Ā
Itās one thing to accept in theory, but in practice, this can be a terrifying transition for parents. āMore learning occurs when human beings stretch, not when theyāre cozy,ā Dennard says. She points out that an easy example of this is when teens start driving. Once a teen passes their driverās test, they occupy a non-shared environment. Dennard continues, āMany Houston parents freak out when they even think about their kids driving; Houston traffic is so bad and the risks so high, but driving independently is a step toward adulthood. In real life, there are seat belts and air bags for safety but each adult person must accept the responsibility and assume the risks to drive and ultimately they do the same as they leave home to live independently.āĀ
The potential for our blossoming childās view of the world to expand and take shape under the watchful eyes of trusted adults is another compelling reason to get our kids engaged outside our homes. āAs an educational consultant, Iām one of those trusted adults and I take my mentoring role seriously,ā remarks Dennard who daily works with middle-school and high school students. Markham says that having someone outside the family depend on them helps a young person see himself in a new light. āOften, kids discover that theyāre good at something they hadnāt seen as valuable, or find deep emotional rewards in a connection they would never have made otherwise. At the very least, they learn something about how the world works outside their home.āĀ
To parents who failed to meet camp deadlines, canāt afford typical structured summer programming or whose child rebels against all of the above, Markham confirms that there are endless other avenues to enrich kids over the summer to help them ābecome more independent, capable and responsibleā. By welcoming opportunities for our young people to expand out of our eyeshot, we help them sort out their identity. Discover and strengthen their personhood. In short, we help them on their journey toward happy, well-adjusted adulthood.Ā
Kathryn Streeter writes for Houston Family Magazine. Find her on Twitter, @streeterkathryn.Ā
Editor’s note: last edit July, 2022
Connect with the Experts
Dr. Beth Dennard, Bright Futures Consulting
BrightFuturesLLC.com
Houston:
4010 Blue Bonnet Blvd. Suite 109
Houston, TX 77025
Clear Lake:
1350 NASA Parkway, Suite 120
Houston, TX 77058
Email: info@brightfuturesllc.com
Phone: 281.486.0023
Dr. Laura Markham
AhaParenting.com
- Newly released, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Workbook
- Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids Online Course
- Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids
- Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings
Twitter: @DrLauraMarkham